


Worry List

by The_Pirate_King



Series: Blue October [2]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Guardians of the Galaxy - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Child Death, Child Loss, Daddy Yondu, Family, Gen, I promise, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss, Memories, Mentions of Cancer, None Of It Is Graphic, Parent Kraglin, Parent Yondu Udonta, Parent-Child Relationship, Reminiscing, Still mad that's not a tag, Suicide Notes, it's not as depressing as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-06 08:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11031987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Pirate_King/pseuds/The_Pirate_King
Summary: Yondu and Kraglin finally read Peter's letters.





	1. Yondu

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is a sequel/follow up from my other fic, "Hate Me". Read that first otherwise this will make no sense whatsoever. There's a possibility it could be triggering to some please read the tags carefully. I put them there for a reason. It'll drive some readers away but I want to be straight forward with you guys. Not a ton of traditional fluff in the story but there's some family fluff in there....if you squint. 
> 
> I want to make it EXPLICITLY CLEAR that I am in absolutely no way, shape or form advocating for suicide. Absolutely not. I have gone through deep depression personally so I know what it feels like. I have family who are psychiatrists and so my entire life I have heard about suicides and depression. The saddest thing I've ever heard one of my family members say to me after a particularly difficult suicide of a patient was, "It's always the ones who were getting better." 
> 
> TLDR: I am not advocating suicide of any form for any reason, if you are contemplating suicide- DON'T.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yondu reads Peter's letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know this fic sounds as though it is going to be dark and depressing but I swear that it is not. This is more of Peter trying to console his parents after his death and explain his reasoning to them. It's not graphic and doesn't go into great detail about how he died, I promise. You can infer how he died but there's no details for those who are concerned about that. 
> 
> As always, please mind the tags. They apply to both chapters but I wanted to remind you guys just in case.

* * *

 

_If it helps to know so there is no doubt,_  
_Just listen to the stories._

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yondu Udonta was a man of action. Always had been and always will be. But for whatever the reason, he could not bring himself to open up the letter that Peter had written for him before he died.

 

So here Yondu sat, in his living room weeks after burying his son, unable to sleep just staring at the letter in his hands. The letter was no larger than any other letter he’d ever received but it felt heavy in his hands.

The weeks following Peter’s death were the hardest few weeks that Yondu had ever experienced. Harder than where Peter left him the first time on his own. Harder than the weeks following Peter stealing the orb from him. Hell, they were harder that all the _years_ Yondu spent as a Kree slave.

 

He had expected the crew to taunt him about how soft he was and how he wasn’t being like his usual self. He was greeted by Horuz and Taserface one particularly hard day-Peter’s birthday. He had been prepared for a fight for the role of captain but was surprised when they offered him words of sympathy.

 

Turns out that Horuz had a family on his home planet. He was gone on a mission with a different Ravager clan one day and when he returned home two months later, he discovered that a disease had ripped through the city killing nearly everyone, including his mate and their three small children.

 

Taserface reluctantly explained that the Nova Corps had arrested him many years ago on some petty theft charges. After serving a measly two days in jail, he was released and sent back to his home planet. Once he’d returned he had been informed of a massive quake that had rocked the planet and ultimately decimated almost the entire planet. Taserface’s two adult sons had perished.

 

Both of them knew the pain and grief that accompanied the loss of a child. Though they would never exploit their similarities in this way (nor did Yondu want them to), they would always have a small empathetic relationship because of their shared losses.

_“Honestly, Cap,” Horuz said to him. “Losing my kids to disease was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced but it ain’t nothing like what you gotta go through with Peter.”_

_“Yeah,” Taserface nodded. “At least with my son’s I have an explanation and something to blame. With Peter you ain’t got none of that. You can’t shake your fist at no one ‘cause you got no one you can blame. Except Peter but no parent would blame their kid for their own death.”_

_“The disease killed my family,” Horuz frowned. “But the disease didn’t kill Peter. Which in many ways is something that is fortunate but in others it is not. If he had died then you had an explanation that made sense but you don’t got none of that. You just gotta trust that Peter had a good set of reasons. Honestly, I wouldn’t wish that even on my worst enemy, Cap.”_

“Fuck it,” Yondu growled before flinging the letter onto the table in front of him. “Why’d ya have to leave me a letter, Pete? What could ya have possibly had to say that you couldn’t have said to my face?”

 

Yondu got up to storm back into his room, intent on waking up Kraglin for some much needed sex but he couldn’t get the letter out of his head. He turned back around to face the letter and it just lay there, mocking him.

 

“Damn it!” Yondu growled before snatching the letter up off the table and plopping back into the seat before continuing to stare at the letter. Finally, _finally_ , he was able to force himself to tear open the envelope and pull out the letter.

 

He just stared at the folded sheet of paper for a long moment, unsure of how to proceed. This was the last thing he’d ever receive from his son. This was the last thing that Peter would ever say to him: His last words.

 

With a long, heavy sigh, Yondu slowly unfolded the letter and instantly began to read.

 

_“Dear Daddy,_

_It’s not weird that I’m calling you that right? It’s been a long time after I started just calling you ‘Dad’. I figured that with all circumstances in mind, you wouldn’t care that much. I know that you won’t get this until after I die and so I guess I can be brave and emotional because you can’t smack the back of my head and tell me to grow a pair. But, maybe you wouldn’t tell me that. Who knows? I guess I never will._

_First, I’d like to say that I’m sorry for stealing the orb. I know I could’ve probably come up with a hundred other ways to avoid stealing the orb and lying to you, but I couldn’t think of anything when I did it. Wouldn’t. Same thing. I know it caused a lot of issues between you and the crew and you and Papa so I’m sorry for that. I never meant to cause issues between you guys. I just wanted the orb so I could save the galaxy and I guess it kind of worked._

_Second of all, I’m sorry about never calling. I should’ve called you more often, even after the orb, to talk to you and Papa. I know Papa is the best worrier in the whole damn universe but I was so embarrassed about stealing the orb that I couldn't call. I also didn’t think you’d want to talk to me after I stole from you. Now I can see that that was stupid and of course you’d still want to talk to me. You’re my parents after all._

_I’m genuinely sorry that I never told you guys I was sick and dying. I should’ve but I guess at this point it’s a little too late for that. By the time I found out, I just shut down. The same thing that killed my biological mother was now going to kill me too._

_I thought about telling you guys what was happening but I didn’t think that I could handle your reactions. Throughout my relatively short life, we had all discussed death a lot and we all knew that I wasn’t going to outlive either of you guys; at least not naturally. We all knew that humans don’t live long lives but to find out that your already stupidly short life was going to be taken by some growth in your brain? That seemed like a giant cosmic joke. I mean I had just saved the damn galaxy only to find out that I had a giant, inoperable, unwelcome growth in my brain! How the hell is that even fair? It’s a shitty repayment for what I did._

_And now suddenly I’m faced with decisions that I never thought I’d have to make. Suddenly and without warning, I’m supposed to figure out whom I’m going to leave all my stuff to, where I want to be buried, what I want done with my body, so on and so forth. I can’t even bear to tell anyone. I just don’t know what to say. How do you tell your friends that within the next few months, you’ll be dead? And how are you supposed to tell your parents-the people who have made it their personal mission to protect and nurture you- that their son is going to die and there is nothing that anyone can do to stop it? How am I supposed to say that to you and Papa? What could I possibly say that would make it okay? How can I comfort you guys when I can’t even comfort myself?_

_When I first found out about the cancerous tumor, I thought that I’d get to do chemo like my mom but when the doctor told me that even the cruelest of treatments wouldn’t be enough to save me, I was faced with a decision. He told me that chemo would extend my life by a few months but I also knew what chemo did to humans like my mom and me. I didn’t want my last few months to be spent in agony and bouts of incoherence. It wasn’t what I wanted for what I had left. I knew that no matter which route I took, I’d eventually be miserable so I chose the one I’d be the least miserable for the least amount of time. So I passed up chemo. I hope you can understand my decision._

_When I sit here now and think back on my life up until this point, I can’t help but smile. There are so many good, happy memories that I have with you and Papa. So many things that make me happy. Maybe that’s just the medicine. I’m not complaining though._

_I want to thank you for everything, Daddy. I know that you’ll beat yourself up over every little thing you think you didn’t do for me-that’s just who you are- but I don't want for you to do that. You’re forgetting all the things that you did do for me. Don’t focus on what you could’ve done as opposed to what you have done for me. _

_I may not have grown up doing the most ‘conventional’ of things but I loved them. I really enjoyed learning to fix the engine and how to rewire the circuits to do what I wanted (like break into your room and get my Walkman back after getting in trouble). I loved learning to fit and pickpocket people. I had so much fun doing spacewalks-even if they had to be a secret. And I absolutely loved getting to learn to fly a ship. I will never forget that even after I die._

_You have given me the best possible childhood you could’ve given me. I know that you did your absolute best and that you couldn’t always be as affectionate with me as we both would’ve liked, but I never have no will I ever hold that against you. You did that for our safety and how could I fault that? You were the best Daddy in the universe and you can’t fight me on that, you big blue smurf (it’s funny ‘cause you don’t know what a smurf even is_ _J)._

_I hope that you can forgive me for what I’m about to do. It’ll be hard to understand why I’m doing this and I get that. You’ll probably wonder why I chose to kill myself when I still had time left. That’s the kicker though. The time I have left right now will be miserable. I can barely read the words I’m writing and I can barely walk to the bathroom by myself. There is no hope of getting better. It’s only going to get worse. I don’t want to have you come and see me in that kind of state. I don’t want to die like that. I’d rather die now when I’m still me. I’d rather take my own life than let the cancer have the satisfaction of taking it for me. I won’t let it win, even if that means I have to forfeit. I know I don’t have much time left. I can barely see and I’m confined to this hospital bed and room because I can barely walk anymore. It’s miserable and I know it’s the end for me. There’s nothing left for me here and I don’t regret my decision at all._

_I never told anyone this but when I was six, a guy on Xandar said something to me that has always stuck with me. It didn’t make sense to me then but it makes perfect sense now. He told me that, ‘the only thing we’re allowed to do is believe we won’t regret the decisions that we made’. It makes absolute sense to me now. And I don't. I don’t regret my decisions surrounding my cancer and my death._

_I want to say thank you for everything, Dad. For the very last time I want to tell you that I love you very much, Daddy. I always have and I always will. And I know that you love me too._

_Your son,_

_Peter Jason Obfonteri-Udonta_

_P.S. If you haven’t buried me already, can I request that you play ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot’ while you guys lower me into my grave? “_

Yondu stared at the letter long after he had finished reading it. It blew his mind that his son had enough foresight to write such a detailed and personal letter to Yondu before dying. He had thought of him and Kraglin before he had died.

 

As Yondu rose and made his way back to his bed, he found himself breathing easier. Peter had known the implications of his decision. He’d known what his suicide would do to his parents; the kinds of questions they’d have, the blame they’d carry, the sadness they felt. He had answered them all. In a strange way, the letter helped Yondu come to terms with Peter’s reasons for his suicide. He had all of Peter’s insight and reasoning written down on four pieces of paper and not once had Peter’s resolve waivered. Peter was absolutely prepared for his next journey and wasn’t scared. Peter was resolute in his choice. That was all Yondu needed. He just wanted to be sure Peter was sure about his choice. And he was.

 

Yondu slept better that night than he had in over a year.

 

* * *

  _Not everything is glorious_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long.” – Unknown


	2. Kraglin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kraglin reads Peter's letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The final chapter for this (sub) ficlet! I have another story that I'll post later that ties up the entire series. Peter's letter to Kraglin is significantly more uplifting and positive. This is on purpose. Kraglin was Peter's "mother figure" and so Peter holds much of the same sentiments that sons do towards their mothers. He's much more positive with Kraglin because he knows what Kraglin needs to hear in order to let go of some of the guilt and grief that he feels surrounding Peter's death and ultimately, move on with his life. Yondu needed more of a straight forwards, say it as it is kind of letter because that's who Yondu is. But they both were meant to do the same thing in the end. The message is the same, the delivery is different. 
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

 

_Some hurt. Some love. Some shout._   
_I fought the world and I lost that bout._

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kraglin sat alone in his and Yondu’s room. Yondu had not been able to sleep and had left the room a few minutes earlier, trying no to wake his sleeping mate. Only, Kraglin couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his boy. His baby. His Peter.

 

Kraglin knew that he was supposed to be this hardened Ravager who took no prisoners and was one of the deadliest knife wielders in the universe. He was mated to Yondu Udonta after all. That in and of itself spoke volumes to who he was as a person.

 

But with Peter, his instincts had soared and he couldn’t stop them. Ever since they picked up the toddler nearly thirty years ago, Kraglin had been babying Peter. His instincts told him to make sure the boy’s belly was full, kiss him so he knew he was loved, hold him because the world wasn't safe, groom him so he was clean. And he just fell victim to his instincts. Before he knew what was happening, he was cooing at the young boy and calling Peter their son.

 

He’d been the boy’s mother figure for nearly Peter’s whole life and Kraglin couldn’t find it in himself to be offended that he was playing what was normally considered the female role by some other species.

 

Xandarians did not have the same male/female roles that some other species (including Peter’s own) held. His race believed in the equality of the two sexes and took parenting as a two-person job. Both parents provided different things to their children and filled different roles but none of the jobs were strictly seen as motherly or fatherly. They were jus something you did for your child.

 

Honestly, Kraglin was just happy that he was able to shape his boy into the hero he became. Nothing made him prouder than Peter had.

 

But now Peter was gone and there was nothing Kraglin could do about it. There would be no more phone calls, no more “Papa, I’m cold. Can I sleep with you”s. No more sick Peter begging to be held, coddled and kissed while he got better. He would never hear him laugh, complain when they embarrassed him, or cry when he was sad. Never again.

 

Kraglin turned the letter over in his hands contemplating its significance. He knew that this would be his son’s final words to him. This letter was Peter’s last thoughts.

 

Silently, Kraglin opened the letter and began to read.

 

_“Dear Papa,_

_I want to start off by apologizing to you. I should’ve called and visited you more often than I did. I am sorry for that. I missed you all the time but after the orb incident I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again. I can see now that I was wrong and I’m so sorry._

_You were the best Papa ever. I missed you so much when I wasn't home. I thought about you all the time. Whenever the Guardians and I were on Xandar, I’d always make time to go to that little restaurant that you took me to as a kid and eat my favorite waffles. When it got cold on the ship, I’d miss climbing into bed with you and Daddy so I could warm up. Sometimes, I’d find myself cuddling with my baby blanket because I missed you guys. When I found out I was sick, all I wanted to do was run home and curl up in your arms where I knew I was safe. But at the same time I knew I couldn’t and not just because of the stupid orb._

_I honestly didn’t know how I was going to be able to tell you that I had cancer. The very thing that killed my birth mother all those years ago was now going to kill me. I know that cancer is sometimes hereditary but I was still surprised. I was never that sick when I was a kid so how come I was so sick now? It all felt like a giant, sick cosmic joke. As if the universe was saving all those times that I should’ve died from my injuries and I should’ve gotten sick but didn’t and then molded them into some strange, oblong mass and planted it in my brain. I’m going to die-not from old age but from a disease- and I could do absolutely nothing about it._

_I know that I could’ve done chemotherapy but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Call me selfish, but I didn’t want my last few months to be spent in a hospital, hooked up to machines while I puke my guts out and drift in and out of coherent consciousness. It just wasn’t what I wanted with what was left of my now shortened life._

_So I chose to just control my symptoms until I couldn’t control them any longer. I don’t regret my decision because it gave me the chance to remain as normal as possible for as long as I could. But now I’m at the end. I’m rapidly approaching the expiration date I was stamped with._

_I can’t really see anymore and I can barely walk. I am at the very end of what is left of my life and I know that. I regret not seeing you before I go- I regret that a lot actually. I wish I could’ve been a big enough man to come and see you one last time. I should’ve been a big enough man to tell you what was happening but I wasn’t._

_I just didn’t think I could bear to see you cry over me. I never want to make you cry, Papa, whether or not it’s something that was my fault. I’ve only ever wanted to see you smile. You’ve been nothing but amazing and to do that to you just seemed cruel._

_You took me in even though you didn’t have to and then you raised me in a home with so much love and happiness that I can barely believe it. As I sit here in my hospital bed, I can barely imagine how hard it must’ve been to be able to keep me so innocent and carefree for so long while raising me on a Ravager ship. I don’t know how you managed to show me so much love and kindness despite your job and where we lived. To the crew you were some kickass first mate and to me you were my safe place (aside from Daddy’s pouch). The whole crew respected you because of how badass you are and how ruthless you can be but there I was, crawling into your arms and begging for cookies, cuddles and a bedtime story. How the hell you managed to keep those two parts of you separate is beyond me. I could never in a million years have managed that._

_So please, don’t sell yourself short or think there’s something more that you could’ve done. Because there’s absolutely nothing you could’ve possibly done that would’ve made my life and childhood any better than it was. I had a perfect childhood and an amazing life all because of you and Daddy. Please promise me that you’ll never forget that._

_Ending my life may not make sense to you and I get that. If roles were reversed, I don’t think I would be able to understand it either. But being here, like this, I can understand why some people choose this route. Papa, I can’t let the cancer win. It will win if I don’t end things now. I don't want to give the cancer the satisfaction of claiming another innocent life. I don’t want to be another statistic. So I’m going to end things while I still can. I’m going to make the last choice before I can no longer make any more choices at all. Is it selfish? Maybe. But it’s my last opportunity to give this cancer the middle finger. But I am sorry that you and Daddy and the Guardians and all my other friends are going to have to handle the aftermath of my choice._

_I am sorry that I am taking myself from you in this way but please understand that I’m not doing this to hurt you or anyone else. This is not some revenge killing. I’m not trying to get back at anyone. There was no cry for help. I am choosing to end my life because I can’t continue like this. I am miserable now and I know that I am only going to get worse. I know that as soon as I get worse, the doctors will call you guys and you’ll show up (because there’s no doubt in my mind that you will) and your last memories of me will be of me being sick. I don’t want that. I want your last memories of me to be happy ones. Just like it is for me. My last memories of you and Daddy are happy ones and I will leave this universe with a smile thanks to you both._

_Please know that I am not scared. I am not afraid of what comes after this life. I am looking forward to my next journey; whatever that may be. If my life up until this point has been any indication of what my next journey will be like, then it will be a crazy ride, huh Pops? But I’m looking forward to it. I am excited to rid myself of this body that I have puppeteered for the last 30 years. I’ve just recently learned that this body is not who I am, Papa. This body is just a shell that I’ve been manipulating. The real me is what humans call my ‘soul’. The human spirit. The spark that is my personality. Whatever you call it, that is who I am, not this squishy bag of organs and flesh. And you know what, Papa? I am excited to shed this shell. It suffocates me now and I look forward to being free like I once was when I was a child. And I know that wherever I’m going after this, you’ll meet me there. Because you always do. You always find me. No matter what stands between us._

_So, thank you, Papa. Thank you for choosing to keep me even if it was more than slightly inconvenient for you. Thank you for giving me nothing but happiness. Thank you for loving me so deeply and so furiously even when I didn’t want or deserve it. Thank you for always doing what was best for me even if it was the unpopular decision. Thank you for seeing the good in me and helping it grow. Thank you for being my Papa. As we say on Earth: I love you to the moon and back, Papa. I always have and I always will._

_Your son,_

_Peter Jason Obfonteri-Udonta_

_P.s. Daddy let me do more spacewalks when you weren’t home._

_P.P.S. Please don’t kill Daddy or withhold sex from him. He’d probably find a way to revive me just so he could kill me himself!”_

Kraglin just stared at the note, rereading the last few paragraph over and over until he could recite it from memory. Those words would serve to ground him for the rest of his life.

 

His son had not been upset with him. He had not been scared. He did not hate Kraglin and Yondu for not being there for him. Deep down, that was Kraglin’s biggest fear. He didn’t want for his son to feel as if they had abandoned him when he needed them the most. He knew that his Papa and Daddy had never abandoned him. He knew that without a doubt, they had never walked out on him. No, Peter knew exactly what he was about to do and he was, oddly enough, excited to do it. He was excited to move on from this universe. He had gone to wherever souls went after their time spent alive.

 

Kraglin couldn’t help but sigh in relief. He felt as if some of the guilt he carried had left him and he had a sneaking suspicion that that was what Peter had wanted. He wanted to free his Papa of his guilt. Peter had known him very well, maybe even better than Kraglin realized.

 

Kraglin placed the letter on the table next to his side of the bed and shut the lamp off. He knew Yondu would be returning to bed soon enough and he didn’t feel like talking at the moment. He just wanted to lay and bask in the fuzzy feeling he was feeling; the feeling of relief and love. His son knew he was very, truly, deeply loved.

 

As he shut his eyes, Kraglin pondered what was next after his life here on the Ravager ship as Yondu’s mate. What came after his physical life? Would it be eternal rest like Peter seemed to think or would he be sent on to a new life? If it was the latter, Kraglin hoped that he would meet Yondu again and that Peter would be his son once again. Whatever it was, Kraglin looked forward to seeing his Petey again.

But he still had so much left to do here.

 

He would wait his turn.

 

* * *

_Yeah, this is what my life is about._   
_I might've been gone but I never walked out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand … Why?” – Clark (2001)


End file.
